Heartbreak used to be my muse or at least thought so. But yet for the past few months I have struggled to find the words to write this post. It is not for the lack of trying, but just that words to express my sadness and emptiness seem to fail me. I would stare at the blinking cursor hoping that the words would find me. So here I am on a rainy day making one more attempt to write that post and I hope that this time the words will not fail me.
Today, while running, thoughts of my mum crossed my mind I and suddenly felt the tears stream down my face. I unconsciously thought of a conversation I wanted to share with her and I realized that it has been months since i had a conversation with her and months since we said our final goodbye and since normalcy left my life.
I realize I cannot call her anymore and suddenly my mind goes off into a spin and the tears start flowing uncontrollably, the tears I’ve somehow held back intentionally or unintentionally for so long. I am unsure if the tears that didn’t flow all this time was because I was numb with pain, but now that I am back home and adjusting to a new routine, I miss her so much. I would call her almost everyday, even if it was the most random ridiculous conversation about the weather or what I had for dinner, we talked almost everyday and I miss that.
Even now just writing this post makes me teary eyed, but I know this is one post I have to complete. I constantly feel regret that my last conversation with her was brief, she said she wasn’t feeling ok and I assumed she would bounce back like she had so many other times and I said I will talk later. Now my mind constantly goes back to that conversation, did I tell her I love her, did I tell her I miss her, did I tell her I was doing ok….did I, did I….the questions are endless.
The day she passed away was just another saturday for me, I was getting ready to head to the farmers market and somehow I kept thinking I need to call her, but I got so caught up in my baking, that somehow that thought and call got postponed.
Later in the day my sister calls me to ask me to look at tickets to come back home, she tried to stay calm, but I could sense the pain in her voice and I try to stay calm not wanting to upset her either.
We go back and forth with everything and I finally buy a ticket to head back. I console myself that there would be wifi on the flight and therefore I could stay in touch with my sis. However, there is no wifi and maybe that was a good thing because there would be nothing I could do thousands of feet above ground.
I finally landed after a few mishaps with bags and planes and I rush to the hospital to only find out that my mum had passed away a few hours before I landed.
“I truly never learned what the words ‘I miss you’ were until I reached for mom’s hand and it wasn’t there.”
The next few days were a blur, we all tried to stay strong for my dad. After more than 50 years together, it was going to be a challenge for him to face his days without her around.
But I constantly ask myself, how am I going to face my days without her? Despite our most random conversations about nothing important, yet she was there when I was down to pick me up and calm me down when things were wrong.
I miss her more than I ever imagined I would and I wish I could go back in time to tell her how much she meant to me and apologize for all the things I have said and done which hurt her. But I know I cannot and all I can do is carry on and be strong and brave like she wanted me to be. One thing I did learn from my mum was to be kind, considerate and thoughtful. I will carry on and doing things which I know would make her proud. But the emptiness I feel every single day will never fade.
“Mum, thank you for being my anchor in this stormy sea of life.”