For you J.H

You decided to let me go and give up without a fight. You said you could not go any further and that another step could lead to more hurt. pain and maybe even hate. My world crumbled around me. I have begged and pleaded my case, however you chose to constantly dismiss me. You said parting was the best and you decided that moving on with someone else was the way to go. Those words you speak stab right into my heart, breaking it even more than it can take.

As much as I try, I can’t stop loving you, I never want to stop loving you, I don’t know how to stop loving you, even though you want me to stop loving you because you no longer love me.

You cut the rope off, didn’t you see me hanging in there ? I had my trembling fingers gripping on to that tiny feeble rope that used to be so strong. But you grabbed a knife and brutally severed the tope. No matter how much I wanted to hold on or how hard I tried to anchor myself on you, you made it impossible for me to do it.

I am not yet ready to say goodbye, yet it seems you have already left. I have tried taking the same path as you but my heart would not let me and the wonderful memories we shared makes me want to fight. I try to remember the bad memories, so I could teach myself how to un-love you, how to be nonchalant and how to be completely numb. I am trying to pick up the pieces of our memories and storing them in a place where it cannot hurt either one of us.

I know I hurt you and in return I hurt myself, oh how I wish I could be cold and distant like you.

Trying to run, trying to write, trying to find ways to distract myself of thinking of you with another is the most painful thing I have attempted to do. It is not easy, my mind wonders to where you are, what you are doing and with who you are constantly and I wonder how you could be be so distant and cold to me.

I hurt so much that I never want to love again. I have put my heart out so many times only to have it broken. I do not want to cry or beg anymore. I am tired of being weak and vulnerable and being pushed away by the people I love. I am exhausted trying to love you, my heart wants to rest and never love again.

 

 

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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3 Responses to For you J.H

  1. sam says:

    so this is where it all began

    Liked by 1 person

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