All I want …….

I sit here at my computer with a million thoughts floating through my head, where do I begin to tell you everything I want to say. Do I begin with how sorry I am or do I just tell you how much I love you and miss you. No matter how hard I try, the words refuse to flow.

It’s been a while since we’ve last spoken without it ending in an argument or wrong words being spoken. We used to be close, you and I laughing over ordinary events and everyday life. We discussed the simple things, such as what we were making for dinner or big events, the events that would eventually lead to our lives away from each other.

We no longer live in the same place, now separated by countless miles, our friendship strained by my actions.

I want to see you, talk to you, just look at you. I miss my best friend, the person I spoke to everyday about every mundane thought flowing through my brain, I want my friend back.  How I would do anything to go back in time to that day ? Is there a makeover to correct everything I have done ?

A lot of hurtful words were exchanged in the heat of the moment, I don’t dwell on them, because I know better than to believe things that are said when we are upset.

Seeing you is painful, the charade of keeping it together and my emotions at bay takes a toll on me, yet I want to sit with you, talk with you, right all the wrongs I have done.

It might be our last chance to see each other, to talk openly about what we each have done. I don’t mean to keep dredging up the past, but sometimes we need to relive the past to get to the present or future, to right all the wrongs.

There is no denying all the wrongs I have done. What is done is done , no matter how hard I try I can’t change the past, but I have the power to change the future.

I look around me and all the reminders of you make me want to sit in a corner and cry, but instead I chose to tell you how I feel. I love you more than you can imagine. There is no escaping you.

We might be  separated by distance but yet I feel miserable. All I want to do is pick up my phone and call you, I constantly have to battle myself to not look at my phone willing it to ring and hope that it is you.

You talk about moving on with someone else, it hurts to hear you be  nonchalant about it. I pretend that I can move beyond you, but despite my words, the truth is, I miss you and my heart refuses to stop loving you.

This is me pouring out my heart out, because all I want is to sit down and talk to you…yes that is all I want !

 

 

 

 

 

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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