Betrayal hurts the most

Dear Joe,

I sit here with trembling hands trying to type this post. My hands tremble every time I think back to that night of your phone falling out of your pocket, the numbness I felt, but mostly the betrayal. Nothing seems to hurt more than when you are stabbed in your back and heart at the same time. The problem with betrayal is, it always comes from someone you love and trusted.

My stomach hurts, my heart hurts and I feel slain and I feel like you came out of the blues and stabbed me in the night.

All I wanted to do was get back at you, find ways to hurt you, but I have no energy to fight you anymore, all the fight in me has been sagged out. You hurt me when I was on this dark road of trying to find the path to healing.

It hurts even more when you refuse to see how you hurt me, you seem to condone your actions and continue to find ways to blame me for my failures.  You didn’t see my efforts but blamed me only for my failures, yes I have many failures, which I accept. I recognize my failures and shortcomings and I am trying to do better.

I started this for us, I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, put down my thoughts about us, but I realize I now do it for me. There is no ‘us’, I am shattered to think there probably was never an ‘us’, I was living in this fools paradise dreaming of what could be and what would be.

I stood before you many times insecure and broken-hearted, wanting your love, but you threw me away, and I broke into a million pieces and I now cannot find the pieces to put me back together. Will I ever be ok ? Will I ? Will I ever get past being betrayed by the person I loved so much. You say words that only writhe more pain into my body.

Do you love me now or did you ever love me I wonder ?

I feel I have lost who I was, I was caught in this web of love you spun around me, breaking down my walls to let you into my world and believing that we were meant to be, refusing to see reality of everything around me. I loved you, everything we had, everything we did, I feel like my world was torn apart and I did this to myself.

I broke my own rules by loving you and letting you into my cocoon. I still long for you sometimes, I gave you my heart, body and soul, you were the most important thing in my life and I would have done anything to protect you, but what I saw on your phone will haunt me forever.

How am I ever going to recover from betrayal ? Will I ever recover from something like that. I have my own fears and insecurities, but I believed in loyalty and you took away the one thing I clung to. I am now a walking shadow of who I used to be

I am so sorry for things I have said and done, yet you did me wrong too. You stole and broke my already bruised heart and soiled my soul, making it hard for me to ever love or trust again.

I sit here trying to recall our tender moments,  the times after making love you would hold me, the sweat from our bodies ensuring that we were glued together, giving me comfort of hearing your heart pound against mine.

There were other moments when our hands would reach across the cold bed after an argument to reach for the others hand. In that moment no words were needed, everything felt right again. Were those tender moments real or was is your temporary escape from your life, even though I wanted more.

I long for those days and nights and hold on to those moments with the hope that they would sustain us, take us back to where we should be, but instead here I am  sitting alone finding a way to take that knife out of my back and heart.

Right now there is no right or wrong, it’s not black or white, it’s not you or me or who did the most hurtful thing, right now the worse part for me is there is no us and  all I am left with is the knife in my heart and a broken heart and question “will I ever trust again?”

I have questions and you have silence and I wish you would say something.

 

 

 

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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