It is 95 degrees in Hampton Roads and while most people seem to want to stay indoors with the air condition, I put on my running shoes against my better judgement and plan on running 5 miles. Two miles into it, sweat pouring I want to run back home, but instead I decide to figure out ways to distract myself.
My vision is blurred by the sweat pouring down my face and that should be a sign to slow down and head home, but I am determined that I want to do 5 miles. After all I am planning to do 2 half marathons in the coming months and I need to train for it.
Last year I did one half marathon and I trained diligently for it, but this year my diligence seems to have lost its vigor somewhere and I am determined to find it. Giving up is never an option for me and if I were to head back home I would feel like I gave up, so I continue to run.
I turn the music on louder, maybe paying attention to the music blaring in my ears, I could use it as a way to motivate myself to keep going. One song to another it goes and somehow this song comes on…. “now you’re gone away and I feel so broken-hearted” and on and Diana Ross croons. “I’m missing you, tell me why the road turns”.
Where does the road turn or more like where does the road end for me. When will the pain and hurt go away I wonder ?
It has been weeks or maybe months since my boy friend and so-called friend betrayed me by stabbing me in my back and in my heart. I recall the last conversation I had with him, all I know is the last words out of me were “I hate you”. I know hate seems to be a strong word to use on someone I once loved, but at that moment, that was honestly all I felt.
As easy as it should be to let go of someone who betrayed me, there are days that I struggle to understand what happened or how it happened or how they did what they did. How does one claim to want to spend the rest of his life with you and within a few days do the most hurtful thing possible.
I don’t mean to dwell on the past or keep dredging what happened, but while running these things come to mind and most often its a motivating factor. The pain I feel makes me want to keep going, one step in front of the other trying to out-run the hurt I feel. It seems no matter how hard I try, the pain is right there within me in each step I take.
The music pounding and thoughts running thought me, I finally hear a voice in my ear say, I have reached 5 miles. I guess hurt and pain are a motivating factor.
Despite the 5 miles of running, I head home, grab my bicycle and go for a 5 mile bike ride, why stop now, why not use the pain to motivate myself a little bit more.
I guess like they say “time is a healer”, there is no out-running or out-biking my pain or my hurt away, it is going to be right there along with me and hopefully as time goes on, the pain will ease and the running will get easier.
I have learned this along my journey ;
“Letting go does not mean loving less”