Teach me to love again

Look what love has done to me
I am not who I used to be
Everything is changing, now we’ll never be the same
Look at what love has done to us
Will we ever learn to trust
We’re running out of time, there’s so little time
Baby look what love has done to me

Patty Smyth – Look what has Done

 

It’s past midnight and I lay in my bed listening to the quiet silence around me. The fan makes a whirring sound and if I strain my ears I hear the sound of a siren in the distance. I always wonder who they are going to rescue.

As tired as I am, one would think that sleep comes easy. On most days it does and on other days I could lay for hours with no sleep. I could count sheep or cows or horses backward or forward yet sleep seems to elude me. Maybe writing and letting out my thoughts may help.

I’ve built this wall around myself and, It is no ordinary wall, it’s made of brick and mortar and so strong, that no one can break it down.

There are few people who try,  sometimes I see my wall cracking, but I catch it fast enough to patch the crack. I push people away, I don’t want anyone to see the real me or how vulnerable I could be when my feeling and emotions are in line……

This is what being in love did to me. While loving the right person brings you happiness and joy and so much more, loving the wrong person brings hurt and pain and bitterness and sometimes betrayal making it almost impossible to ever go back to who you were.

When I love, I gave my all, my heart, my soul and made myself vulnerable to love. That was me, maybe I was naive, gullible and innocent… But to me that was love. I was not ashamed of that part of me…. I fought to keep that love alive, yet I lost that battle.

While losing that battle, I lost so much more, my innocent notion about love and now I refuse to let the right person into my life. They stand their in front of me wanting me to love them, but I can’t do it. I turn down love because of fear.

I fear love, I fear giving my heart away…. I fear my emotions.

How do I get over this fear ? I know I’m not alone in this, yet I feel alone. I want to love again, I want to let my heart soar when I see his face, but instead I tell him no. I feel I have lost myself and how to love someone.

You… Yes you, if you are reading this, you know you did this to me. You took my love, my innocent idea of love and tarnished it and now I’m left here not knowing how to love again.

I need to learn how to love again. Maybe in time my knight in shining armor will have the right tools to break down my wall, till then, I’m gonna keep my wall and learn how not to fear love.

“WORDS and HEARTS should be handled with care. For words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.”

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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4 Responses to Teach me to love again

  1. ElusivePub says:

    Reblogged this on Elusive thoughts in mind and commented:
    A writer that can create more than just one emotion, or image of the heart.

    Like

  2. ElusivePub says:

    I’ve felt on the brink of the hole into which you’ve fallen, your thoughts and emotions are not ramblings. your heart is trying to overtake your mind and remind you what it is to feel and act on that emotion.

    Like

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