What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way !

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

Chris Isaak – Wicked Game

I am driving on the highway when this song comes on and for no reason I find tears streaming down my face. I wish I could understand why I am feeling emotional. Maybe I feel overwhelmed by everything I am trying to do now, even though I should be just excited about my upcoming trip to see my best friend.

The days seem to go by and I just immerse myself into everything and anything I can do to keep myself busy. I don’t want time on my hands, which would mean thoughts of him will surface.  To make sure, I have good days, I  keep going all day till my energy is drained and all I want to do is crawl into bed and fall asleep with no thoughts of him.

The good days have been on the rise and today was no different, I worked nine hours, headed out to get some errands done, then a 9 mile run, which to me is a wonderful day. However, for a moment I seem to have this paralyzing fear, that thoughts are of him are going to come flooding and I don’t know how to stop it.

I do not want to  shed tears for someone who hurt me so badly.  “What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way”, the words stay on repeat in my head, the lyrics to this song keeps going on and on in my brain, refusing to stop. I realize that it is the lyrics to this song that triggered thoughts of him today. I want to scream, asking it to stop taunting me….  but I can’t control it.

The cursor is blinking, while I sit here, lost in my world, not knowing what to write. There is so much I want to say, but where do I begin. Maybe that story is for another time and another day, for today, the song continues in my head and I have no energy to fight it !

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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11 Responses to What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way !

  1. Sheela Goh says:

    I doubt you’d ever forget completely and that’s pertinent. There’s a part of your life spent with him and that’s important to remember, be it for future reference or, if there were any, to recollect the better moments. I know it sounds clichéd but it’s true, time will heal. All the best.

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  2. Crying is more than ok , we heal in many ways and crying is the most natural thing
    I am sure that after some time you will realize how strong you are and how beautiful life is without him, time heal almost everything and for sure u r now better than any time ; convert all this love to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your thoughtful words. I am at the point where the crying is done, but yet somehow there seems to be days where thoughts of him creep into my mind. But i am getting and I agree time is indeed a healer. Writing has helped me more than I could have imagined. Thank you again for writing and positive words of encouragement.

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  3. Jim says:

    You have cried enough?

    JD

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  4. Rose Red says:

    Girl….I wish I could bring over a bunch of bananas and a few jars of nutella and cry with you. I know it’s rough when we get treated bad and to make it worse their memories intrude…busy is good.
    It does get better. Not always quickly but that day comes and you’re stronger when it does and a good man is falling for you.

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  5. I couldn’t listen to the song. After reading your post, I was afraid I would start crying too if I heard the song. This was a very heartfelt post and I think it was well written!

    Like

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