I want to fly away

It is one day closer to my half marathon. As much as I would love to sit here on the rooftop of the hotel watching the sunset and the waves crashing, I put on my running shoes, turn my music on and start my run.

The boardwalk is full of tourist and locals just strolling, enjoying the beautiful sunny day in Venice Beach, yet I feel alone while I dodge them during my run.

I run with no thoughts in my head, just enjoying my time away from the daily routine of life. No reminders of anything, just me, the beautiful sunset and palm trees swaying in the wind.

sunset

sunset

Someone screams on your left or on your right and it is typically a bike just whizzing past me. My mind is lost in the music once again, my feet trying to run to the beats  coming out of my earphone.

It is mile 4, when I hear these words to a song. I am trying to understand why he sent me this song.

I wish I could fly, out in the blue
Over this town, following you
I’d fly over rooftops, the great boulevards
To try to find out
Who you really are

Trying to find out who I really am is no easy feat. After the heartbreak I had to deal with recently, I keep who I am under wraps, I no longer want to make myself vulnerable to anyone. Letting my guard down is no longer an option.

I know I am not defined by heartbreak or betrayal, even though it might play a big part in who I  have become. This is not my first heartbreak and it probably might not be my last either. I have been hurt before, I have no doubt hurt people too, but I have learnt as I get older, that I have to take responsibility for my actions and face the consequences for the choices I make.

I want the person who sent me that song, to know who I am. I want him to know that I typically love with abandon. But for now I am cautious about anything and everything and anyone. I know that in time that the wall will start to crack and he will see who I really am, till that time, I want to stay guarded and maybe even figure out who I have become or want to become.

One of the best things from this vacation has been, well besides the endless array of food, the time spent with one of my best friends, who has done an absolutely great job of planning this trip.

It is friends like this that gives me comfort knowing that not all friends will stab you in the back. It is the little things that give me hope that one day that wall I have built around myself will crumble and that I will once again throw caution to the wind and love with abandon.

Till that day comes, I will keep running and running. Someday with no thoughts and somedays just to think.

Now that my 10 mile run is done, I am ready to sit back, enjoy being part of the tourist strolling this boardwalk.

DSC_0060 DSC_0041Here is the song that got me thinking.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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