The jarring sounds of the alarm wakes me up at 6 am, if that was insufficient reminder there is the cold wind that hits me as soon as I step outside my apartment this morning, reminding me that the vacation is over. After 10 wonderful days in sunny California heading back to the east coast where the weather is cold and rainy does not do much for getting over the last few days.
Generally I need a vacation to get over my vacation, for once despite the time difference, jet lag or going in to work straight from a red-eye flight left me cheerful. However, all that changed when I realized that it is winter time.
I know I have said it this often and I will say it again ‘I hate cold weather’, yes I really do hate it.
Once the cold weather hit me, I remembered that I have 2 more half-marathons that I have to run in November. I have no idea what I was thinking when I signed up for them, but there is no turning back now.
It seems good time to put on my cold weather running gear and turn my music on and start running. In order to forget about the cold wind blowing in my face, I let my mind wander on its own journey. At times like that, I don’t control my thoughts, I let it flow, similarly when I sit here to type I try not to control what I say. I want my words to flow, to be open and honest and show a little of my soul. It is always hard to decide how much of my soul I want to bare, but considering this has been therapeutic to me, I will type and not hold back.
As I run, my thoughts turn to him…. no matter how hard I try not to, I think about him. Not every waking minute like I used to, but I do wonder how he is doing, what is going on with him, is he happy, the questions are endless and I know I will never know the answers, but it does not stop me wondering or thinking.
Most often when thoughts of him begin to surface, I force myself to get busy, to find ways to occupy my mind, mostly because I hate myself for thinking about him. I don’t want to, I want the pain in my heart to go away, I want to erase all memories of him. But it is hard, despite the hurt, pain and heartache, there were some great memories, the weekend getaways, the running, the bike rides, cooking, baking and all the encouragement and support he gave me to chase my dreams. Sometimes I ask myself, was it all a dream that I am going to wake up from ? If so, I want to wake up soon.
I don’t know when the pain will ease or if it ever will. But all I can hope for is that one day, the painful memories will be overtaken by the wonderful times we shared and maybe then my heart will heal.
It now mile 6 and all these thoughts and memories have kept me warm. There is no running away, there is no turning back the clock, there is just me, my heartache, my memories and there is no distance left to run.
This song says it all.