My conscience, my guilt

It is 72 degrees here today, yes a rare unbelievable 72 in the midst of winter, which is a wonderful way to end this long weekend I had.

Of course you must think I put on my running shoes and ran for miles, because that is typically what I would have done. However, for some strange reason, I just could not find the inspiration to do it.

Instead I sat outside on my porch, basking in the warmth reading a book. Every time I glanced up from my book, I would catch a glimpse of someone running past me or kids riding their bikes enjoying the beautiful day.  Eventually feeling a bit guilty about sitting around, I decided maybe if I put on my running shoes and step outside, I will find the needed vigor to keep going.

A mile into it, I just could not get my mind into running, I force myself to keep going hoping that eventually something in me would snap and I would run 10 miles.  However, at mile 3, I decided that my guilty conscience was not going to force me to do something I don’t want to do and headed back home instead. I felt defeated for a moment about giving up too easily, maybe I should push myself to do it and hope that at some point my mind and my body would be in-sync.

I was trying to force myself to go run, because I am signing up for what they call “Americas Toughest Road Race”, which is taking place in April. I signed up for it and then when it came to hitting the submit button, I found myself wavering and questioning myself about it. It is a half marathon which takes place in Blue Ridge Mountains and goes over 2 hills.  I keep asking myself, what am I thinking by signing up for this ? I run, but I am not naturally athletic.

Am I being overly ambitious in wanting to do something like that ? I don’t know. Maybe I am questioning myself more, because I could not bring myself to run today.

There is no denying that I do love running, but it seems there are days no matter how much I enjoy it, my mind refuses to corporate with my body. I suppose the same could be said for cooking or baking. I would find myself thinking about a particular thing I want to make or feel like eating, however, I just find it impossible to get started on it. Then again there are those days that I will keep going for hours and when I mention everything I would have done during that day, the first thing my friend would ask me is ‘if I drank coffee ?’

It seems my post coffee drinking sprees precede me. Not only do I seem to have the energy to go run miles after having worked 9 hours, but I will come home and bake/cook some crazy elaborate meal just for myself. Honestly it is not always coffee, sometimes I just feel like the energizer bunny has taken over me and I go and go for hours.

Maybe what I needed today was the coffee, to motivate myself. Not only did I run a pathetic 3 miles, but I did not cook either. Instead I sat outside reading my book.  That should make me happy, since my goal for this year was to read more and that goal seems to have taken off to a decent start.

But yet here I am questioning myself about my ability to do this half marathon. I wonder is it just that I could not run today that scared me off or is this me questioning my ability to live unto my own expectations ?

I probably won’t know the answer to that question at this moment, but I am gonna hope that tomorrow I will be able to put on my running shoes and get back into that grove on running and my confidence in myself to compete in this race will be back.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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10 Responses to My conscience, my guilt

  1. Lissette says:

    since you wrote that you have a history of days in which you feel less motivated to do certain things than other days…and I have those days too…I would not worry about it. I know mine is just attributable to severe, almost lifelong ADD, but I can’t speak for others on that.

    I love the Blue Ridge Mountains! do you live in that area? If so, I am so jealous! 🙂

    On a final note, Coffee is not some kind of root-of-all-health-evils like people so many people seem to believe. like most things, it should be consumed in moderation but it actually already has at least one prison health benefit: coffee is actually very good for your liver and some doctors also believe that it can help prevent liver cancer.

    great blog! Keep up the good work 🙂

    Like

    • I guess I am just hard on myself when i don’t feel motivated to do what i want or should be doing. For the most part i am always doing something and that is why when i take a break i feel guilty.

      I live a few hours away from the Blue Ridge Mountains, but i love that area and that is one reason why i am doing that race.

      As for coffee it always helps me get motivated, it might be because i rarely drink it and when i do, i am energized and ready to conquer the world.

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lissette says:

        I don’t mean this in a preachy way, but feeling guilty over taking breaks is something that you may need to work on, for your OWN health & happiness! There’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHIING WRONG with taking breaks, setting aside “me time” occasionally, etc etc. In fact, it’s important that we try & balance all areas of our lives as much as possible; whether it’s too much time spent exercising, working, partying, etc, it’s unhealthy because eventually we will burn out, & it’s also possible that other areas of our lives may not get the amount of time/attention they need. Also, many people who believe in the power of meditation, such as Buddhists for example, preach the importance of time spent alone in a quiet, non-distracting & peaceful environment in order to re-charge & refresh one’s internal batteries so to speak…even if a person can only allot 20 mins a week to do so. So don’t kick yourself over this!

        Liked by 2 people

      • I totally agree, but sometimes though you know something realistically, following it up practically is what is hard to do. But it is always a work in progress.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lissette says:

        I’m with you all the way on that 1…easier said than done a lot of times!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. rosiepeter33 says:

    I wouldn’t worry about it. You did get reading in. You may not have ran 10 miles but you did get off your but and try and got SOME running in instead of NONE. It’s not like you didn’t try at all. Now if you start having many more days than this one that pull you back to do something else maybe your body is trying to tell you something, like it’s time for a change in your life and your body wants something different. And beating yourself up about not doing enough is a too much time taken away from a possitive feeling. Sometimes you can’t get all your goals done in one day especially if you’ve added the new goal of reading. Just some thoughs I thought about. Good luck with it all. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do beat myself up over silly things. Today I did go out and run 7 miles and it was great. So it turns out I was just having a bad day and needed to listen to my body wanting a break from running.

      Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Writing my progress on here keeps me on track with going after my goals.

      Thank you again.

      Like

  3. Jim says:

    You can do.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jim says:

    I like. JD

    Liked by 1 person

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