My conscience, my guilt

It is 72 degrees here today, yes a rare unbelievable 72 in the midst of winter, which is a wonderful way to end this long weekend I had.

Of course you must think I put on my running shoes and ran for miles, because that is typically what I would have done. However, for some strange reason, I just could not find the inspiration to do it.

Instead I sat outside on my porch, basking in the warmth reading a book. Every time I glanced up from my book, I would catch a glimpse of someone running past me or kids riding their bikes enjoying the beautiful day.  Eventually feeling a bit guilty about sitting around, I decided maybe if I put on my running shoes and step outside, I will find the needed vigor to keep going.

A mile into it, I just could not get my mind into running, I force myself to keep going hoping that eventually something in me would snap and I would run 10 miles.  However, at mile 3, I decided that my guilty conscience was not going to force me to do something I don’t want to do and headed back home instead. I felt defeated for a moment about giving up too easily, maybe I should push myself to do it and hope that at some point my mind and my body would be in-sync.

I was trying to force myself to go run, because I am signing up for what they call “Americas Toughest Road Race”, which is taking place in April. I signed up for it and then when it came to hitting the submit button, I found myself wavering and questioning myself about it. It is a half marathon which takes place in Blue Ridge Mountains and goes over 2 hills.  I keep asking myself, what am I thinking by signing up for this ? I run, but I am not naturally athletic.

Am I being overly ambitious in wanting to do something like that ? I don’t know. Maybe I am questioning myself more, because I could not bring myself to run today.

There is no denying that I do love running, but it seems there are days no matter how much I enjoy it, my mind refuses to corporate with my body. I suppose the same could be said for cooking or baking. I would find myself thinking about a particular thing I want to make or feel like eating, however, I just find it impossible to get started on it. Then again there are those days that I will keep going for hours and when I mention everything I would have done during that day, the first thing my friend would ask me is ‘if I drank coffee ?’

It seems my post coffee drinking sprees precede me. Not only do I seem to have the energy to go run miles after having worked 9 hours, but I will come home and bake/cook some crazy elaborate meal just for myself. Honestly it is not always coffee, sometimes I just feel like the energizer bunny has taken over me and I go and go for hours.

Maybe what I needed today was the coffee, to motivate myself. Not only did I run a pathetic 3 miles, but I did not cook either. Instead I sat outside reading my book.  That should make me happy, since my goal for this year was to read more and that goal seems to have taken off to a decent start.

But yet here I am questioning myself about my ability to do this half marathon. I wonder is it just that I could not run today that scared me off or is this me questioning my ability to live unto my own expectations ?

I probably won’t know the answer to that question at this moment, but I am gonna hope that tomorrow I will be able to put on my running shoes and get back into that grove on running and my confidence in myself to compete in this race will be back.