A brand new kind of me

It was a beautiful 60 degree winter day over the weekend. When the sun is shining at its brightest, all I want to do is bask in it and for me that generally involves putting on my running shoes. It looked like another day for 10 miles.

Most often I like to have something to think about while running, to keep my mind preoccupied and not think of distance or duration, but just to keep going. A few days ago I had come across this quote and for me that was what I wanted to think about.

“Think of how different your life would be if you never met the one person who changed everything”.

My life changed a lot in the last year, changed might not be the word, my perspective on life changed might be the more appropriate thing to say. My eyes were opened to a lot of things and mostly about how naïve and trusting I was.

Naivety and trust is not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes that results in us just being blind to those around us and believing and accepting what we see without looking deeper into things or questioning anything. I was that person and revealed in being that person.

I have learnt that some people come into our lives and affect our lives in a poignant way. They leave a lasting impression on us, sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative manner…however, at the end it all depends on how we tend to use the lesson for our betterment.

My ex for example, did that to me. In the short time we were together, he swept me off my feet, put a smile on my face, a skip in my step and gave me something I felt I had lost and I loved him with reckless abandonment. But fast forward 9 months later, he took away all that and instead replaced it with suspicion and my inability to trust people.

I admit not everyone deserves my mistrust. I used to be the person who trusted easily,  call it naïve, vulnerable, even gullible maybe.  I wanted to be there to help my friends, do what I can, I took everything at face value and believed what everyone told me. If someone was my friend, I felt I had no reason to mistrust them. I liked being that person. My theory was that people who cared and loved you, don’t use and take advantage of you and I continued in this little bubble of mine, not knowing that soon that bubble will burst and that reality which is far from different will set in.

However thanks to this painful lesson, I have learnt to be comfortable alone. I took the time to get to know me, to get back to things that I was passionate about, whether it was starting this blog, reading, baking/cooking or even running more. It became all about learning my strengths and weakness. My friends tried to convince me to try on-line dating, set me up on blind dates, various things, but I wanted that time for me alone. Now I realize that was the best thing I did for myself. Yes there were moments I wish I had someone to go out with, to do different things with, but fortunately I have a very supportive group of friends who were there for me. If  decided to go run a half marathon, they would come cheer me on, if I wanted to go jump off a perfectly good plane, they would go with me. They understood that this was my time.

Now that painful experience is to a great extent behind me.  Yes I do think of my ex from time to time, but no longer with the disdain or loathing I had for him. I actually appreciate the lessons I have learnt because of him. I thank him for putting me on this journey of finding myself and teaching me that I need to love someone not to end my loneliness but because I love them.

“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness”

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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11 Responses to A brand new kind of me

  1. JMD398 says:

    You make a very good point. I said this in a response to someone else before but I feel like it is warranted here too. Everyone is not meant to be in our lives forever. Sometimes its just for a season, a moment just to get us through our journey. Some journeys are longer than others but you get the most out of them in the end and come out as you have confident, happy and content with you, and nobody can take that away from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. Music is very important to me, I try to find new artist who don’t get played on mainstream radio and listen to that. I did attempt to learn to play the guitar, however, that did not work too well, but I still do play the piano from time to time. Glad to hear that the guitar has changed your life and helped you in such a positive manner, very inspirational. I might have to go pick up that guitar again and make another attempt at learning to play it.

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  3. J. Casper says:

    Hey! Very nice post.
    I have one thing that changed my life forever, a guitar. I was 15 when I played guitar for the first time, and in that time I didn’t know nothing about music or instruments. When a friend of mine came with an acoustic guitar and has left me to play, I was amazed with it. Then I bought my own guitar, I had guitar lessons and started to hear music with more attention. Until then, I’d never had a thing that I really liked to do, and since that time, my life changed drastically. Today I play guitar on three projects, and music is the most important thing I do, thanks to my friend that came with a guitar almost 10 years ago.

    take a look on my blog: https://virtualtravelersblog.wordpress.com/

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  4. I’m happy to hear that you didn’t use that time to wallow in self pity and frustration. Instead, you used it as an opportunity to grow and learn and to become a better you. You have used it as a jumping off point to rise above it all and in doing so you have left your ex way behind trying to keep up. I’m proud of you. You are going to go far and nothing will stop you now. I think it is sad when the only people we feel we can trust stabs us in the back and we are left thinking we cannot trust anyone anymore. But that isn’t true. We just have to be wiser in choosing those to trust, and knowing that no one is perfect and that trust could also be broken, but also knowing that it will not break our spirit – ever again. I’m glad you are happy and I know that happiness is only going to grow and blossom.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Joy for your confidence in me. I am taking baby steps towards all the things I want to do. Looking back sometimes it is hard to imagine how much I have changed and it feels great when my family and friends tell me that I have changed for the better. At least I have taken what happened and used it in a positive way. While It is not fair to paint everyone with the same brush, I have learnt that trust has to be earned and not just given. I feel very fortunate that despite it all, I did rise above it and that my spirit took a little stabbing but was not totally broken. Most of ll I am glad that I started to write and that I made some wonderful new friends from WP. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

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