No matter what, home is where the heart is.

Two weeks of vacation with family and friends can go by way too fast than you would like it to. My time with my family came to a screeching halt sooner than I expected. As much as I missed my boy friend back in the US, I did not want to leave the comfort of the place I still consider and call home.

Sleeping in my bedroom, the same one I slept in as a child,  in the same house as my parents made me nostalgic and wished that I could go back in time. To a time where my parents were healthy and going around their usual mundane lives, to a time where everything seemed so much more simple and mostly to a time where I did not feel the clock ticking away and that my time with them was not only precious but limited.

Maybe I make it sound worse than it really is, but just seeing them dependent on others for almost everything made me teary eyed. I have said this before, I am good at keeping my emotions under wrap, never letting on about how I feel, not wearing my heart on my sleeve.  This time it was hard to keep from breaking down just watching them or listening to my mum tell me how sad she feels that she cannot head to the kitchen and cook all the things she knows I would enjoy. I would give anything to have her make me her famous beef stew that I love so much. Just writing this post makes me weepy for all the things I will never have with them.

It is hard watching the fiery independent people my parents were, being reduced to sitting around reading, watching TV and not doing all the things they want to and enjoy. It made me realize how much I take for granted in my life.

Most often my visits back home are full of lunches and dinners with friends, however, this time I kept my social obligations to the minimal because I wanted to grab every minute I had with my family. I typically shy away from the kitchen when I am there, I do enough of cooking and baking everyday that I don’t want my vacation to involve more baking or cooking. However this time I did do it differently.

My dad always talks about the pies I make and I remember every visit I make promises for pies, which eventually never get made. This time I decided that I have to do it, do something to make them happy. So I indulged in a bit of baking by making him some Pork Pot Pies…which is his favorite.

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Typically 2 weeks into my trip I start counting the days to head back to the US, most often because there is a boy friend waiting for me, but this time (well despite the boy friend back here) I had this feeling of never wanting to leave. I wanted to go back and live there,  the hot humid weather and crazy traffic was not going to be a deterrent. I just want to cling and savor  every moment I have with them and not think of anything else.

Maybe I am getting older and wiser or just maybe the importance of family has finally dawned on me.  I miss all the little things like spending time with my cousins talking about life, watching my nephews and niece grow into such wonderful adults. While my life here does have its advantages, I feel like I am missing out on all the important things.

I know there is no time machine to step into and turn things around, but for now all I can do is wish for one and on the rare occasion even wish that I had never gotten on the plane to come here to US to follow my heart.

Since my return I have done nothing but debate with myself about packing my bags and moving back. It is unfortunately not an easy decision to make, do I  give up the life I have worked hard for, the life I know and take a new challenge for the unknown.

Life is definitely not only uncertain but unknown and at this time just like the time machine, I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and the right answer would come to me.  Till I step into a time machine or find that magic wand, I will continue going back to see them as often as I can and enjoy every moment I have and try not to have regrets about the things I did not do. Life after all is too short for regrets.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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23 Responses to No matter what, home is where the heart is.

  1. sam says:

    the expression of oneself, makes u wise. this is definitely one of my favorites.:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joyroses13 says:

    Totally Love this! I can feel your emotion come through so strongly in this post,your deep love for your family and It warms my heart to read it. Makes me ache for you that you can’t be in both places at 1 time. Thanks for sharing this touching post with us and hoping you can continue feeling your strong connection to your home even when you are not there. But that you can enjoy being at your home in the U.S. also, and as you said not regretting your decision cause yes Life is too short for regrets! May you feel a extra dose of strength today!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Joy. Your comment really helped me. It was one of those days that I woke up feeling guilty for not being able to support my sister and after a long conversation with my mum it hurt more to not be there. But fortunately my family understands my dilemma and does not envy my situation. Your thoughtful words made for a better day and thank you so much for that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad you made the pies for your father! I hope you’ll get to see your parents more often in the future. I can understand how hard it is on you to be so far away as they age. Blessings to you and your loved ones, MW

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you MW. I hope to go visit them again in a few months and hopefully do more cooking and baking. It is indeed hard living so far away, but it is a choice I made after all. Thank you again for reading.

      Like

  4. Beautiful writing, heartfelt and lovely, something we can relate to!

    Like

  5. Ann Coleman says:

    It is so hard to see parents age! But is sounds as if you definitely have your priorities straight. All the best to you…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Ann. While I agree it is not easy to watch your parents age, I have the added disadvantage of living thousands of miles away. Therefore, when I see them once a year, I can’t help but notice every wrinkle on their face and every step that they cannot take. Thank you for reading and your supportive words.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. lisalemuya says:

    lovely piece well written and i could relate to your views

    Liked by 1 person

  7. embroideredtreasures says:

    What a beautiful post! Family love is everything — you have a wonderful positive outlook on life!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Morgan Alexis says:

    Such a great outlook on life and family. They really are everything. I love to get away from social media and just focus on what matters the most.

    Liked by 1 person

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