The pastries are baking for the farmers market while I am sitting here staring at the blinking screen. It has been a while since I have gone to the farmers market and waking up early and getting back into my routine was not easy.
So while the baking continues I read some posts that sit unfinished. But I cannot seem to find the right words to complete these posts. I start reading one post after another and the one that somehow seems to be the hardest is the one I started to write sitting at an airport in Qatar waiting for my flight when I was going to visit my family.
It was an almost 10 hour wait, sitting, walking, waiting, people watching, watching kids playing, walking, trying to find ways to keep myself entertained, after a 13 hour flight was not easy. The hardest part of this wait was just knowing that someone I once loved is in that same time zone.
I keep asking myself why is it hard to stop re-living my past and just move on. Let me rephrase that, I am moving on, but yet sometimes I feel like time has stood still and I am still the person whose heart was broken into pieces yesterday and not more than a year ago. I wonder is it how it happened that makes it harder or is it how much I loved him that makes it harder to forget ? I hate the knot in my stomach when I think of all the emotions I felt at that moment. I told myself forgiving is what would make it easier. I have forgiven him and myself. As much as I would like to point fingers and blame someone else, I have to accept that I am not perfect either and have to take responsibility for the part that I played. Maybe I intentionally sabotaged everything, I don’t know the answer to that. But I have forgiven him, her and myself but trying to forget seems an almost impossible task.
I think about all my past relationships and how years later we have become friends. You love people for a reason and sometimes things work out or you get hurt and angry and feel like your world has fallen apart. But years later when you look at it, you see things with a different perspective and the hurt from the past has been put aside and you pick up the pieces and build a friendship.
Of course time is a healer and helps with forgetting, but it seems like time has stood still for me right now. But honestly when my friends tell me forget it and move on, I wonder, how come if I remember all the wonderful things people have done, why or how am I going to forget all the not so wonderful things people have done ?
No matter how much time has passed, some things have a way of staying engraved in your mind and heart and all the time in the world may not take that pain or the love you once felt. To some it may seem I am dwelling on it, but to me, life goes on, but I believe it is ok from time to time to revisit things that have happened and think about the past. My past does define my future and it is after all a matter of perspective.
Having said all of this, I guess the words I should live by should be “No matter how much you revisit the past, there’s nothing new to see”.