Trying to outrun my fear

Sometimes I try to do too much. It’s not unusual for me to stay up late to type out a few paragraphs to share with you. Most often, it’s just me trying to stay busy, trying to stay focused and not let my mind meander to useless things. I want to cook, bake, run, write, read, the list is endless, while on some days I manage to achieve most of it, there those other days that I bury myself in a book, magazine or my computer, neglecting household chores, allowing dirty dishes to pile in the sink and dust to settle on the end tables.

I notice that the balance in my life seems to be missing, I am not sure when the balance began to teeter or when it plans to return, but I do hope it happens soon.

I know trying to do too much is a motto for many people, we may not always have our sanity, but at least we have our solidarity.

Most often after a 9 hour day at work in a kitchen, I head home and straight to the kitchen, sometimes it is to cook some elaborate dinner plan I had or sometimes it would be this crazy notion of wanting to bake a cake and other days it is just to start my prep work for the farmers market.

As much as I would love to sleep in on a Saturday, I woke up this Saturday to the sun shining right through my bedroom window.   It was a quiet morning, no traffic speeding down the road, no dogs barking, just the steady hum of the fan. As much as I wanted go back to bed, I instead headed to the kitchen to start baking for the farmers market.

Once my baking was done and I was headed to my car, I noticed that thought the sun was out, it was a cooler day, reminding me that fall is here and winter will soon follow. Where has time gone I wonder ?

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Pumpkin Espresso Bar with Almond Crunch

Once I am back from the market I attempt a short nap, which is part of my saturday routine. But considering that someone in my building decided to play loud music hampering my napping plans, I decided maybe it was time to put on my running shoes and head out for that long run, considering I have about 3 weeks more for my full marathon.

Water bottle in hand, I drive to a park away from home trying to find a different path to run. I set off with the intention of attempting a 15 mile run. I keep going, mile after mile not paying any attention to the fact that darkness sets in earlier and I should turn around and head back to my car.

Around mile 6 I decided to turn around, confident that the tree-lined path that seems deserted would be safe. However, with about 5 miles to go, I notice the sun has set and darkness was around me. I kept pushing myself wanting to try to make it back soon.

However, I could feel every minute and every mile and every sound around me. Fear begins to set within me, making me alert to every little leaf moving around me. Suddenly for no reason tears begin to welt in my eyes, I get terrified that I have put myself into a dangerous situation. Despite my running, mile after mile, I don’t see my car or a light in sight.

My mind starts wandering down a dark road of thoughts and all my fears come flooding to my head. I fear being in love and try not to love anyone too much because I fear being hurt. I fear losing my parents and what I would do without them. I fear that I will never stop thinking of my ex or how he hurt me.

I guess my biggest fear is that I fear, and I don’t know how to stop.

My mind continues down that path, when I see a flickering light in the distance and then for that moment I no longer feared not getting back to my car.  I pick up my pace and I finally see my car in sight and I breathe a sigh of relief. I then look at my GPS and notice I have run 12.98 miles.

I may have not achieved my 15 miles, but I suppose I will take the best and fastest 13 miles I have ever run. I suppose being in a park after dark motivated me to run my best and for now I don’t fear being able to run 26.2 miles soon.

As much as we all have our fears, I suppose sometimes fear could be a motivating factor.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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3 Responses to Trying to outrun my fear

  1. Ann Coleman says:

    I agree, fear can be very overwhelming at times, but it sounds as if you are learning to let it be your motivation for living the life you wan to lead. And that’s a good thing. Congrats on training to run a marathon, too! That should be a huge accomplishment!

    Like

  2. Jill says:

    I agree. We all have fears so we can either let it motivate us or scare us.

    Liked by 1 person

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