Looking for the gutsy me

The sun is out, the snow is almost melted away and life seems to have returned to the empty abandoned streets. The kids are out playing, the runners are back pounding the street, but me, I continue to stay inside looking on to the outside trying to find the motivation to venture out and enjoy the sun light.

I watch everyone running past my window, but I am unable to muster the courage to put on my running shoes. My mind keeps chanting ‘go run, go run‘, but when did I ever listen to my mind, so why start now. So instead I head out to my favorite coffee shop, because most often coffee seems to give me the motivation to get out of a lazy funk.

While seated at the coffee shop, I started to think about friendships, or I should say one particular friendship. I have known this friend for most of my life and I realized recently that we have become such different people that I constantly struggle with maintaining the friendship.  I know that as I get older my values and how I look at things have changed drastically, however, my friend seems to be still stuck in the twilight zone.

Maybe I live in a fools paradise trying to see the best in everyone and believing that we all at some point make bad choices and need second chances. My friend on the other hand, loves to constantly remind me that I am indeed a fool. Our conversations constantly are her reminding me no matter what I do, that it was wrong, whatever decision I make was wrong and pretty much everything I do is wrong.

It has come to the point that I dread my conversations with her and the one sidedness of our friendship. She would call me and before I could complete my sentence about my day, she cuts me off to rant about something that we have already discussed many times.

Despite all of that, I tried to be supportive because I kept telling myself she is being like this because of her own frustrations. But recently things got out of hand and I decided I can no longer deal this friendship.

“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn”

Here in lies my dilemma, do I tell her how I feel or do I quietly sever ties with her ? To be honest I am hesitant to tell her how I feel, because I know its not going to be pleasant conversation. I was talking to another friend who suggested that I be honest and open about how I feel. I agree that would be the right thing to do, but somehow I am no longer the fearless person I used to be who would speak my mind. I seem to have lost the gutsy me.

It made me realize that I seem to have lost some of my identity along the way of getting older. I am no longer me, I don’t recognize myself. There are times I catch a glimpse of the old feisty, fearless me, but the sighting is rare.

I head back home, wondering how I would try to find the old me or more importantly do I want the old me ?

As usual when I have a lot on my mind, my favorite therapy is baking. I pick up my rarely used madeline pans and start sifting, stirring, mixing and getting creative in the kitchen.

The baking maybe complete, but my quandary over my friendships still continues as does  the search for the gutsy me.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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17 Responses to Looking for the gutsy me

  1. Pingback: Featured Bloggers 2/3/16: Networking 101 | Dream Big, Dream Often

  2. yhealthy2000 says:

    She really is not your friend…in my humble opinion. Good baking though! I’d love to eat one of those please😀. Yaz.

    Like

  3. Ann Coleman says:

    It’s always a painful process to outgrow a friendship, and hard to find a way to end it that doesn’t cause the other person unneccesary pain. My advice would be to follow your own instincts and do it the way that feels the most natural to you. And perhaps you’re not really losing courage, perhaps your just maturing into a different kind of person? Being gutsy has its advantages, and I suspect that when something comes along that you feel very strongly about, you can still be gutsy. But sometimes gutsy isn’t the best approach, especially with something as delicate as dealing with another person’s feelings. Just because your inner voice is saying something different doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve lost courage…..it just means you are beginning to look at things a different way. And that’s not always a bad thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ann, you are right, I am probably maturing into a different person and don’t see it, but your comment made me think about that. I feel I have changed and become a different person after having moved here and divorced and no friends and I had to build a life on my own, whereas my friend is still stuck in her teens. For a while I have felt myself drifting away but because we have known each other for so long I was trying to maintain it. But sometimes things happen, people change and as hard as it maybe we have to move on. Thank you for your words of wisdom and giving me another perspective.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Your friend sounds like a Debbie Downer. Who wants to hear that all the time? Not me! Your breads look wonderful. What are they called? Looks like they are made with Nutella.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Besides being a Debbie downer she is one who thinks she knows everything and is constantly critical and I’ve reached my limit. I used to feel guilty for wanting to scale back on my friendship but not anymore. I feel relieved that I don’t have to listen to her anymore.
      What I made is called Madelines and yes I did add Nutella. You find these at Starbucks without Nutella. Thank you PJ.

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      • You definitely need to put a lot of space between you and her! No wonder you are feeling the way you are feeling. I believe if your friendship means anything to her, she will change in order to save the friendship – but, don’t hold your breath. I never go to Starbucks. LOL! There isn’t a Starbucks close to me – it’s on the other side of my city. (I’m glad there isn’t otherwise I would probably spend a lot of money there.lol)

        Liked by 1 person

      • She does live in another state but that somehow does not seem like it’s enough space 🙂 I’m yet to write to her, because a phone call will be, me talking and her being loud and obnoxious. If I am to send an email the reply will be so long I’ll probably stop reading after the second paragraph…. So it’s a no win situation plus I’m still being a coward too lol. Starbucks is my once a month indulgence.

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      • That’s too bad that she had become that kind of friend – a friend that one doesn’t need! I hope it works out for you however you decide to sever the ties.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you PJ. I’m just laying low for now and see what happens when I have calmed down a bit.

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      • That’s a wise decision.

        Like

  5. gingerfunk78 says:

    Oh your treats look so tasty!! I do wish you lived closer! 😊 my advice about your friend is maybe write a letter. You don’t have to give it to her but maybe it will help you decide or at least get the feelings out. I would just leave it alone unless she contacts you and maybe even not take her calls right away. For me, time and space helps until I work out my thoughts and feelings. I’m sure you will make the best decision for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your opinion about the letter. I agree that time and space would be the best thing at this moment. I don’t want to hash things out on the phone because it could get heated, whereas email would work best. It really weighs heavily on me because we have known each other a long time.
      I’m always looking for people to give things I bake away, maybe you need to move or maybe I need to move. 😊
      Thank you so much for your reply.

      Liked by 1 person

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