The sun is out, the snow is almost melted away and life seems to have returned to the empty abandoned streets. The kids are out playing, the runners are back pounding the street, but me, I continue to stay inside looking on to the outside trying to find the motivation to venture out and enjoy the sun light.
I watch everyone running past my window, but I am unable to muster the courage to put on my running shoes. My mind keeps chanting ‘go run, go run‘, but when did I ever listen to my mind, so why start now. So instead I head out to my favorite coffee shop, because most often coffee seems to give me the motivation to get out of a lazy funk.
While seated at the coffee shop, I started to think about friendships, or I should say one particular friendship. I have known this friend for most of my life and I realized recently that we have become such different people that I constantly struggle with maintaining the friendship. I know that as I get older my values and how I look at things have changed drastically, however, my friend seems to be still stuck in the twilight zone.
Maybe I live in a fools paradise trying to see the best in everyone and believing that we all at some point make bad choices and need second chances. My friend on the other hand, loves to constantly remind me that I am indeed a fool. Our conversations constantly are her reminding me no matter what I do, that it was wrong, whatever decision I make was wrong and pretty much everything I do is wrong.
It has come to the point that I dread my conversations with her and the one sidedness of our friendship. She would call me and before I could complete my sentence about my day, she cuts me off to rant about something that we have already discussed many times.
Despite all of that, I tried to be supportive because I kept telling myself she is being like this because of her own frustrations. But recently things got out of hand and I decided I can no longer deal this friendship.
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn”
Here in lies my dilemma, do I tell her how I feel or do I quietly sever ties with her ? To be honest I am hesitant to tell her how I feel, because I know its not going to be pleasant conversation. I was talking to another friend who suggested that I be honest and open about how I feel. I agree that would be the right thing to do, but somehow I am no longer the fearless person I used to be who would speak my mind. I seem to have lost the gutsy me.
It made me realize that I seem to have lost some of my identity along the way of getting older. I am no longer me, I don’t recognize myself. There are times I catch a glimpse of the old feisty, fearless me, but the sighting is rare.
I head back home, wondering how I would try to find the old me or more importantly do I want the old me ?
As usual when I have a lot on my mind, my favorite therapy is baking. I pick up my rarely used madeline pans and start sifting, stirring, mixing and getting creative in the kitchen.
The baking maybe complete, but my quandary over my friendships still continues as does the search for the gutsy me.