The crippling fear of the unknown

It is 2 weeks since I got back from my vacation and I am still in a slump and struggling to get out of it. I can’t blame it on the weather, considering it is no longer cold and dreary, but this weekend I can blame it on the rain that seems continue to beat down against my windows.

Vacations should leave one feeling rested and relaxed and ready to take on anything head on.  As for me right now, I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend that the next couple of months won’t be stressful.

The lease on my apartment comes to an end and I am at crossroads as to what to do or where to go.

Am I really ready for a change and new adventure ? Part of me is excited about the fact that I will finally be free to leave this apartment and do something different.  Then there is a part of me that is terrified of change and what the new things will bring.

Most of my close friends, including my boy friend have moved from this area and want me to move as well. I want to get out of my comfort zone and rut and put some pep back into my life and do something new and different, but the fear of the unknown is crippling my need for change. Am I am one of those people who fear change and like the comfort of the rut and the known ? I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the one who is excited about change and who will look at it as an adventure. I remember being that person, but has age made me more complacent with my life ?

When I am confused and need clarity, I typically  would put on my running shoes and go pound the sidewalk for miles trying to think and over think and ponder on the pros and cons and mostly outrun my thoughts and fears. However, today the cloudy skies, the gusty winds hinders my running plans.

I try to distract myself  with a movie only to realize that it is not working. I decide instead to try my next therapeutic distraction, which leads me to the kitchen.

The unused waffle maker stares mockingly at me, so far I have resisted its seduction. But today with the rain and gusty winds it might be a day to try something new and give into waffle maker temptation.

My brain starts churning for ideas.  Most of my ideas would require a trip to the grocery store, which I don’t want to do. However,  considering I always have butter, chocolate, sugar and nuts on hand it might be time for something different.

After all I am at crossroads about trying to do something different, so maybe using the waffle maker is a small step in the direction of change. I gather together, the flour, cocoa powder, chocolate chips, sugar, eggs on the counter.

I melt the butter, add the sugars, whisk in the eggs and next add the sifted flour and stir in the chopped nuts. I dollop it into the waffle maker, wait for the results.

Waffle Brownies with nuts

The waffle brownies look great and a little nibble proves that sometimes something different could work out. This might be a little step in a different direction, but it gives me hope that maybe sometimes I have to think outside  the box and take a different path and let my fears overcome themselves.