The roller coaster ride is slowing down and I am ready to jump off

I sit here on the floor using my coffee table as a table to write while the pastries bake for the farmers market. Instead of baking pastries or deserts I should be focussing on moving out, after all I am down to the last seven six days. But going to the farmers market and using the oven for one last time seemed like a fitting goodbye to this apartment, or at least I think so.

Every single time I do something, my constant thought is, oh it is the last time I will doing it. When I go run my typical route,   I have the same thought, it is the last time I will be running past this. Maybe it is harder for me because I’m such a creature of habit and been running the same route for years.

For a while I never understood why I was being so emotional and dramatic about moving out, after all this is just another apartment that I pay rent every month for and it is not something I built. However, it hit me that in the last 4 years this was the place I called home. The place that was my comfort zone, the place that I come to get away, the place that made me feel safe….it was my home and sanctuary and I am leaving it all with just the memories. This realization made me feel so much better and helped me get off the roller coaster emotional ride I was on.

The view on my running route

My typical Friday routine used to be ordering pizza, having a glass of wine or beer while I bake, but recently that had fallen by the way side. But this Friday, the last Friday before I move, I decided to order pizza, drink beer and bake.

On a Saturday morning, I have the music playing in the background while I bake and write, but today, I decided to skip the music and instead listen to the birds chirping in the distance while the fan whirls over me and the air condition hums in the background while random cars speeds down the street.

It is a hot humid 95 degrees this Saturday morning, but despite the annoying temperature I feel excited to be here and talk to those I see every Saturday and sell the baked stuff that I made. A few of my friends stop by knowing its gonna be a while before I head back to the market, making the 3 hours fly by.

Maybe because I see that finish line and I have a tentative plan for the next few months that makes me feel like the emotional roller coaster is slowing down.  I am definitely not complaining, because I was tired of being an emotional wreck and letting everything get the best of me.

In the next few days I am moving in with a friend, which to say the least is scary, because I don’t remember when I last lived with someone else. Let me rephrase that, I don’t recall when I last lived in a space that was not mine.

I will continue to work because the people I work for want me to stay around for a little bit longer plus my best friend is coming to visit me from LA. There is no way I am missing out on seeing her or spending time with her.

My plans are tentative and short-term and I am unsure if not having a plan is scarier than having a plan.

Having a plan is great, but if I don’t live up to that plan, I will constantly beat myself up for it, whereas not having a plan maybe a little better, because I can make decisions as I go along. At least I say all those things to myself to feel better.

The important thing for me is that my roller coaster ride is coming to an end and I am just about ready to jump off.

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About my random musings

I am originally from South East Asia and I moved to the US about 15 years ago to follow my heart. My heart has since been broken a few times, but I continue to be on journey of trying to mend it. I could talk about running, baking or writing in a small crowd, but put me in a room full of strangers and I will be the one standing in a corner people watching. When I am not writing or running, I would be in my kitchen, flour strewn all over the kitchen counters, music playing in the background and me just rolling and folding dough, excited about what my creation will turn out to be. Besides that I love passionately, when I love, I give it my all, not always a good thing, but that is who I am. I jump both feet in and sometimes I come out with regrets but having learnt a lesson. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is my place to share bits and pieces of my life, my adventures and sometimes misadventures. Hope you enjoy reading my stories as much I enjoy sharing them with you.
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7 Responses to The roller coaster ride is slowing down and I am ready to jump off

  1. Ann Coleman says:

    I think it is very natural to feel sad about leaving a space that has been home for four years, and I’m glad that you’ve given yourself permission to do that! Change is always hard, but I hope the next chapter of your life is a good one. You deserve it!

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  2. It sure is getting close! I’m glad your roller coaster ride is almost over and you will be starting a brand new exciting chapter in your life! Also, I think it is great you are going to the Farmer’s Market because that will be a nice change of pace than packing and thinking about moving.

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    • PJ I’m excited because I see the finish line and things are moving along well and I have got a lot done. I just want this to be over with so I can start stressing about something new 🙂 I am so looking forward to going away for a while. Thank you.

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      • I’m so glad things are moving along well for you and you are starting to get excited! Tania, it is exciting! I am excited for you!

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      • Thank you so very much PJ. The minute I decided to start getting excited about the next chapter, I’ve already had a few exciting opportunities/offers come my way… If I will accept any I’m not sure, but it definitely makes me feel positive about the future.

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      • That’s wonderful to hear! Exciting new offers! You definitely should be excited about the future!

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