2 steps forward and 5 steps back

I have sat staring at my computer for days trying to write.  But days or even weeks seem to go by and words just fail me.

Between being in an accident where my car was totaled and training and running a marathon and a few half-marathons, one would assume that I would have a lot of stories to share, yet I still seem to be at a loss for words.

The last few weeks have been challenging! Trying to buy a car and come to grips with everything that was happening and constantly trying to fight that feeling that every time I take 2 steps forward that somehow I end up taking 5 steps back is overwhelming.

I get it,  I maybe being a tad dramatic at this moment, but it is all perspective and trying to find the right perspective sometimes is hard, even though I walked away physically unscathed from it. However, even a month later, I still seem to have a hard time sometimes when I am driving, I see a car swerving towards me and I have that moment flash in front of me of being hit.

The hardest part for me was going to the junkyard and seeing my car all torn apart that I barely identified it. I never thought of myself as someone who was attached to a car, after all it was and is a mode of transportation, but at that moment, the tears came flooding and it was hard to control.

I realized that I had this sentimental attachment to this particular car, because someone I care and love had helped me pick the car.  We had a lot of road trips in this and despite the fact that he moved away, this was the one thing that I had that constantly reminded me of him.  Staring at it all torn apart at that moment, made it feel like the final nail was hit in that coffin.

But fortunately for me, I had a marathon looming ahead and that gave me something to focus on. All that miles and energy and dedication towards it kept me sane and saw me through some difficult days.

Race day was finally here and I was nervous.  So many questions going through my head, will I be able to finish it in time, beat all the deadlines they gave and most importantly will I cross that finish line standing up?

I stand there among the thousands and because of all the uncertainty  in my head, I felt like a fraud and that I did not belong there. But the race starts and I keep going mile after mile.  I was thankful that my brain nor my body was giving up on me. Of course there were times I was questioning my sanity for doing this and telling myself this would be the last marathon I would ever run. But between my music and my random thoughts about everything, I made it across that finish line.

Now that the race is run, the finished line crossed and a car purchased life seems to be back on track.

Even though I know it is the norm  for curveballs to be thrown in your direction and that is life, sometimes it is hard to deal with. Like most people I too, bury my head in the sand for a while, but I typically always pick myself up and continue on to the next challenge.

At the end all these curveballs and challenges is what has made me stronger and wiser (some people might not agree with the wise part) or at least I tell myself.